LDS Divorce Support
Finding Hope and Healing
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Fireside-
When the Vow Breaks
“You are Not Broken: Finding Emotional, Physical and
Spiritual Stability”
Stages of Grieving, Feeling Broken and Becoming Whole
Denial and Isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Tangled Ball of Emotion
Ambushed by grief
---why does it hurt so much?
Some feelings and emotions that happen with divorce:
Numbness, disconnectedness, loss of energy, when will I return to normal? other people don’t understand----
and then there is the potholes of wanting to jump into another relationship to fix it or cover it up with things-
--temptation to drink , going too far sexually with another person, becoming like a teenager and doing stupid
things---
Part of that is looking to others or somebody else to fix us or make us feel better----imitations
The only real thing is the Savior
Give yourself time--- if you get stuck in one stage- bitterness creeps in
DON’T AVOID THE PAIN-----walk through it or if you stuff it and avoid it becomes 10 times worse later on
Tears are cleansing
Roadblocks to recovery-
- avoiding the pain of grief
- -making grief my identity
- -being addicted to recovery----
While you are going through the grieving process—
Write down the following:
my newest loss I have felt is:
my greatest blessing this week has been:
The presence of God is the key to your healing
You are not less than because you are divorced.
You are not broken and unable to be complete.
Psalm 31 verses 9,10,12 broken
Psalm 31:14
But I trusted in thee O Lord. I said Thou art my God.
What kind of help would you like from Heavenly Father? There is nothing he can’t do
Every tear is seen, no hurt is lost, no pain goes unnoticed. The Lord takes it all and molds it in His hand and
gives us something better.
You are not broken never to be fixed again--- I know that stage where we feel less than, that we failed, that we
made a mistake so we don’t deserve something more.
There is a difference between a broken heart and being broken-- When you have a broken heart—what a
better place to be then to really get to know God in that very moment and time in your life—he asks us to come
to him with a broken heart and contrite spirit—this is the place I talked about last time when you let go of ego
and all the labels you defined yourself by and let God take over and where you can find peace in the middle of
the turmoil.
God takes our heart and makes something new out of it.
You can start asking for wholeness.
How do you become a whole person?
Were you even whole to begin with or did you go into this marriage not even knowing who you really were?
The key to wholeness lays in God.
If you want to be whole, what does that picture look like?
When we don’t have God, that is when we are not whole.
Let me tell you a little about my story--- married my high school sweetheart—in the temple
I was in a very toxic relationship
There was physical, emotional, and mental abuse
Times when my life was literally in danger--- there was adultery, abandonment and I was left with not a dime
to my name to even buy groceries for my children- I was called the most horrible names you can think of, I was
humiliated and stripped of my dignity.
---so because of the things that I have gone through—I have many reasons I can use to say that everything was
his fault and I am a victim and look at what he did to me and my life and I could feel the anger—and I did—
and I could crawl into a hole and want to die- and I did want to do that—and I could continue to tell everyone
about all of the horrible things I had endured and I could live the rest of my life being a victim or I could do something different. I could keep giving him my life and my power or I could look back and say “What can I
learn from this and how can I grow from this?”
The first step was to take accountability. In all that he did to me, I still had accountability in the situation. I had
to look at how I had created this in my life? What choices and unhealthy behaviors had led to this? I realized I
had contributed to what was happening in my life and it was not easy to admit all of this but I knew that I never
wanted to go down that road again.
Until you recognize and are willing to take your own accountability and your contributions to your relationship that ended in divorce and you look at what you need to change and change it, you will continue to attract the same kind of unhealthy people in your life.
Every choice we make- everything we do matters
So I know each of you have your own stories – your own pain- your own place where you were victimized in
some way and I don’t minimize it; because it is real--- but how long will you let that define your life and allow
yourself to stay in a place of anger and blame and not move forward?
You grieve by changing your relationship with what you have lost----what can you learn from this?
make changes to embrace the loss
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Think about it…how much space do you allow this person to take up in your head? How much energy do you
spend thinking of them and what they have done to you?
Allow yourself to grieve and put a time limit on it. For 15 minutes every day I can feel the pain and the anger
but after 15 minutes is up I have to move forward with my day and eventually you won’t need that time
Take it all to the Lord. This is how I healed. I became grateful for the trials and became a changed person
and I love who I am and I am all the better for it because I chose to grow and move forward and learn from my
experience and I do feel whole.
Finding Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Stability
Lets get on to finding the stability in our physical, emotional and spiritual areas and some tools that can help us
in each.
First I want you to have a clear picture of what that looks like to you…
If I were to ask you to describe to me what that picture looks like to you of having those 3 areas of stability in
your life what would that look like? We need to know what we are aiming for before we even start---
Just like if I want to take a trip—I have to know what my final destination is right? And I have to have a map to
get there or I go with no direction.
There is such great power in writing things down. Write down what you want each of those aspects to look like
in your life and the steps to get there.
So clearly ask yourselves 2 things--- what does that picture look like to me of being in a place of stability with these aspects in my life and what am I willing to do to get there?
And if you are in a better place of healing then that picture might look different than it did when you were
newly divorced. So look at what your own personal picture is and start with that…if that means baby steps…then several baby steps turn into one giant step….you know how you used to play mother may I? and
10 baby steps was the same as one giant step?
Men I want you to participate in this too.
I think men sometimes have a harder time of it because we as females tend to have female friends surround us
and talk and cry with—men need to have someone to confide in—this is why it is smart to have friendships of
the same sex in the early stages of divorce, otherwise you run the risk of getting into rebound relationships and
causing yourself and others even more hurt. I would encourage the men to really find someone they can turn to
and work through things with. Another male friend or family member or home teacher.
Tools---
Positive quotes- put these up on your mirror, in your car or whatever you will see them often. Find a quote that
inspires you to have strength to keep going and read it every day and change it out when you need a new one.
“If I let go of who I am, I become who I might be.”
Physical--- there seems to be a loss of energy so start doing things that give you energy—
Pick something you enjoy doing— exercise doing something you love- it releases natural endorphins into our
body-
Get plenty of sleep but not too much of it where you are sleeping your life away.
Take care of your body and listen to it.
Eat healthy and use foods that can boost your energy.
Emotional
Gratitude journal—every day write down 5 things that you are grateful for in that day--you start looking and
actually seeing daily how very aware God is of you and how he is watching over you.
Joy box- Ask family and friends to write down things that they have seen you do that are right and good. We all
need to know what we have done that is right. We have to stop beating ourselves up and start creating positive
change in our lives. Include birthday cards or notes of encouragement from others. Put things in your joy box
that make you happy and on those days when you feel sad and lonely, take out your joy box and help your heart to heal and feel better.
Cry when you need to cry
Notes of encouragement
Journal-can be on computer--- journaling gets out all of the turmoil and emotions that are going on inside of
you and it also is a way to help you think through things and figure out solutions. It is VERY THERAPEUTIC.
When you keep a journal you can look back and see the progress you have made and realize that you really are
healing and moving forward. Very very valuable tool!!
Counseling- can be very helpful in working through your issues
If you are having difficulty functioning because your body is unable to function and you are not able to get out
of the depression, talk to your doctor about solutions.
Spiritual-
Write a letter to God and tell him how you are feeling
Read your scriptures-
Change how you pray- Maybe picture walking with God and conversing with him. Tell him about your day and
your pain. There is not anything you can’t take to him.
Read stories of others overcoming trials and be inspired by them.
Change how you see God and who he is in your life
Ask for God to do his work on you and change your heart and heal it.
Stop trying to control all of the outcomes in your life and let God take over.
What you give out is what you get back---10 fold
If you want someone to reach out to you and lift you up then reach out and lift someone else up.
If you want to be loved , then give it. If you want to healed, then help others to heal. If you want to find peace,
then be peaceful. If you want to have friends, then be one. Everything you do comes back to you tenfold.
There are so mannnyyyyyy opportunities for service-------experiment with me----go out and buy half a dozen
roses and walk around a mall or a grocery store and go up to someone you feel really needs a lift---ask the spirit
to guide you and you will be prompted and hand them a rose and tell them that you just felt that they needed to
know that they were special and loved and see the miracles that happen when you get to be part of God’s tender
mercies. It is an incredible experience--- stretch yourself a little and great things will come of it--- in your
lowest moments reach out to others and serve them—your whole attitude will change.
And be willing to allow others to serve you
My patriarchal blessing tells me that the thing that will bring me closest to God above all is to serve others----I
ask this of people who are grieving. It helps us reach outside ourselves…it helps us see that others in this world
are hurting too and they want love and encouragement just as much as we do
John- 5:6- about becoming whole.
