LDS Divorce Support
Finding Hope and Healing
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Fireside: Dating Readiness and the Fiery Darts of the Adversary
Christi's Notes:
First I touched on a story of Forgiveness. It was one that really hit home to me one day when I realized it was a reality I would have to face one day as I was working through the forgiveness process. I had to not only forgive and let go but also wish this person that had caused me so much pain good will and permission to move forward as well. It helped me see my former spouse as God saw him. With his weaknesses and trials and burdens he had carried as well and having to rely on the Lord for mercy as well. This story applies to anyone we need to forgive. Only the Lord can make us whole and healed and we always need to remember that.
Found in "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" By Colleen C Harrison
A Parable:
One day I dreamed a dream and saw myself in a scene that was almost like something out of Gone with the WInd. I was walking up a long, tree-lined lane, and though I was ragged and wounded and still using a cruthch to steady myself I was full of excitiment. I had just entered int o the last stretch in what had been a long and perilous journey home. Just over the next rise was "the green, green grass of home" and my family waiting to greet me. Even there along the lane, every tree was filled with yellow ribbons., and I when the breeze carried just right, and I had my good ear turned, I could hear the music and smell the feast at the great party they were having.
Suddenly I noticed another figure hobbling along just ahead of me. Whoever this poor soul was, I could tell he was in at least as bad a shape as I was. But even with all his wounds, he had made it this far too. My heart went out to him in fellowship, and quickening my pace, I hurried to overtake him, calling out to him, "Brother,wait! Wait for me!"
He stopped and turned.My heart went chill as all feelings drained from it. I recognized his face. He had been my enemy, the very one who had inflicted the deepest wounds- wounds that had made my journey so slow and painful-wounds that I still bore unhealed. Not him! How could he be here too?
I halted my steps, unable to approach him any further, unwilling to say anything. As he called out "Who's there? I can't see you" I realized he was blind. Rather than answer his plaintive cry, I held my breath. Soon he turned, dejected, and shuffled on his way.
I didn't have far to follow him, for just ahead of us was a shining, glorious gate. The boundary that it marked was as definite as if it were guarding night from day. Even though the beauty of the country through which the lane passed was exquisite, what lay beyond the gate was beyond description, but not recognition. It was Home. Upon seeing it, childhood memories flooded my mind. Every path and byway was familiar to me. The longing to be there once more became an overwhelming ache within me. It caused me to totally forget my reluctance to approach my enemy, who was even now standing at the gatehouse, speaking to the gatekeeper.
The gatekeeper had his back to me. Still I recognized Him immediately as my Lord and Good Shepherd, He who had carried me throughout much of my journey, ministering to my stubborn wounds. Just as He had promised, He employed no servant here. Still I could see only my enemy's face. There was light shining either from it or on it. I could not tell which. Suddenly I realized his eyes were bright and clear, focused upon the face of the Gatekeeper. He was no longer blind! Then I noted how straight he stood. Eagerly I threw down my crutch and rushed forward. Maybe I too could be made whole!
Before i could take more than a step or two, I was suddenly aware of the Gatekeeper's words to my lifelong enemy. "There is only one last thing before you are ready to enter in, one last question I must ask."
My enemy! This person who had been responsible for my deepest wounds? He was about to enter in?
the Gatekeeper continued, breaking through my shock, " Are you a friend to every man?"
Taking his gaze from the Gatekeeper's face, the man looked steadily into my eyes, and I knew he was seeing me, really seeing me, for the first time. Somewhere inside I trembled. I had known all along that I would have to face the Lord to enter in, buy my enemy?
His words pierced my soul. "I am willing to be," he said quietly. Healed and no longer blind, he loved me. Could I , still maimed and crippled as I was, say the same? Could I answer this one last question with an honest yes?
The Gatekeeper seemed to disappear from between us, though I knew He was near. Nothing stood between my enemy and me. He waited for my response with longing meekness in his eyes, unable to enter in without my approbation. And Just as surely, I knew I could not enter in without him. My long-harbored resentment and bitterness, or all that lay beyond this last barrier-which would it be? Which would I choose? Why had I waited so long? How had I thought I could avoid this moment?
My first step toward him was still halting, as if crippled, but with each step my strength grew greater and greater. I could feel my wounds healing as I reached for his hands and then his embrace.
And as the dream ended, I saw us wrapped in more than each other's acceptance and forgiveness..The Gatekeeper and still another figure stood with us. With shining countenance, the Gatekeeper turned to the other, and speaking my name in unison with ttat of my former adversary, He said, "Father , these are my friends." As I awoke from the dream, the last impression I had was hearing the voice of the Father, so long awaited, "Well done. You may all enter in."
I then went on to talk about dating readiness.
I cautioned to not introduce your dates to your children and to give them and yourself time to heal.
Only introduce someone you are dating to your children if you know that they are the one you will be spending the rest of your life with. They don't need to attach and unattach over and over again.
Signs that you are ready to date and start a new relationship:
You are okay being alone and you actually enjoy being alone sometimes.
You live more in the present than you do in the past.
( you aren't focused on everything that happened and still living in the past..you have moved forward)
You don't need someone to complete you.
Major pieces of your life are in order---your job, free time, relationship with your children, etc.
You recognize your inherent worthiness--- you are not needy and always thinking of reasons why somebody SHOULDN'T date you.
You have a positive attitude about yourself and your future.
This one is a biggie--- you have identified your personal weaknesses and have learned from previous relationships and taken accountability for your part in where they went wrong
I talked about how in my relationship with the man that I marry I want to be able to give him my whole heart and not bits and pieces. I remembered back to when I had first gone through my divorce and so many people would make the comment. "You never stop loving your ex spouse" or "you move on but you will always love your ex in some way" and "you will never love the same way again". I didn't want this. I wanted to know that one day I would stop hurting. One day I would no longer have feelings or being in love with my former spouse. When I went to a support group early on, I remember speaking to this wonderful woman who was the facilitator and she was happily remarried. She had talked about how her marriage of 25 years ended in divorce because her husband had become addicted and fully encompassed in pornography and I asked her if she felt the same way that many others had expressed to me. Did she still in some way love her husband? She told me that no she didn't and it was possible to heal and move forward and love someone else with their whole heart. I wanted that because I want to be able to give my whole heart to my future husband. I want his whole heart and not bits and pieces either. I am here to say that I have seen that happen. I have no feelings at all for my former spouse. I look at him and don't have an ounce of attraction or any feelings left for him when it has to do with still loving him. I have forgiven and let go and I don't give in to the anger or the games anymore. I don't feel hatred or revenge. I feel nothing. It is the most wonderful feeling!! The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference and that is what I feel for him. I love him as a child of God, but that's it. I respect the memories we had as a couple and a family but I get to neatly put those memories in little drawers that comprise different chapters of my life. I have my whole heart to give to somebody else.
It's important to look at the kinds of relationships we keep attracting into our lives. Until we recognize that we may be attracting unhealthy relationships, we will continue to keep having these. Sometimes what we are attracted to isn't necessarily the best thing or relationship for us. It's important to ask God to bring into our lives the best person He would have for us rather than just relying on ourselves.
Here are some rules for identifying your attractions of inspiration:
• Are you inspired by partner's (mostly) consistent caring and acceptance?
• Are you inspired by your partner's goodness and decency?
• Is your love fueled by respect for the kind of person your partner is?
• Are you and your partner willing to do the hard work of healing the relationship's areas of weakness?
ATTRACTIONS OF INSPIRATION
A great secret to finding love lies in choosing and cultivating only attractions of inspiration. It's such a simple insight, yet it takes decades for most of us to arrive at this truth, if we ever do at all.
Attractions of inspiration have a warmth and an easiness. In these relationships, our challenge is to accept our partner's caring, not win it. Our partners might challenge us to be better, but at bottom, they love us for who we are. Attractions of inspiration are fueled by the real sense of well-being that the relationship creates in us, not by the unrelenting itch for something that's denied us. These attractions often unfold slowly. They get richer as time goes on. They may take lots of work-but such relationships allow the work of intimacy. They make us feel love, not desperation. These are the only relationships to build a life around; the only ones that deserve the gift of our most intimate self.
EXERCISE: YOUR ATTRACTIONS OF DEPRIVATION
I use this very helpful exercise in my workshops. It can help you identify the negative, withholding qualities that keep drawing you in. With this knowledge, you'll have a rudimentary map of your path to healing intimacy-complete with warning signs to protect you from once again choosing pain.
STEP ONE: Take a sheet of paper and write at the top: "My attractions of deprivation." List all the traits of your former partners which hurt you, frustrated you, or made you feel unseen or unacknowledged. Don't worry if the fault might have been partly yours. Write them down anyway. Include physical traits that are sexy but also negative, like a cocky swagger or an angry, tight mouth.
Tip: If you're having a hard time identifying your attractions of deprivation, ask your closest friends; they've probably wished they could tell you for years!
STEP TWO: Take a second sheet of paper and write on top, "A portrait of my attractions of deprivation." Read through your notes from step one, and put together a profile of the types of people who draw you in and cause you pain. For example:
"I'm attracted to bad boys. Guys who have no problem expressing their anger or their needs. I'm talking about angry people. Guys who don't seem to need me like I need them. Guys who don't need the validation I need. A lot of them have drunk too much. Some of them-at least three-have cheated on me. All of them were sexy in their self-confidence. Most resented my successes, or at least couldn't celebrate big accomplishments with me. They were critical of me, and I ended up feeling guilty a lot of the time. I'm attracted to guys with a sort of disdainful look on their face. A bit of arrogance turns me on."
STEP THREE: Underneath that part, write a new subtitle, "My gifts." Remember that our greatest wounds point to our greatest gifts. Write down which of your gifts felt degraded, minimized, or not fully appreciated in these relationships. What parts of you did you most yearn for your partner to understand, appreciate, and make room for? Those are your core gifts. This information is invaluable, and here's why: In all likelihood, these are the very gifts that you haven't been able to fully honor, which is why you allowed them to be neglected, minimized or even abused. These gifts lie at the cutting edge of your growth. They are the qualities in your personality that you need to embrace and express. Not to mention protect--which is why it's imperative that you choose people who honor and treasure them as well. These are your relationships of inspiration, not deprivation.
Take a few minutes to read what you wrote, and notice your feelings as you let it sink in. Remember not to judge yourself; this knowledge is exactly what will set you free from future replays, and open the door to a relationship where you are loved for who you really are.
It is important to keep yourself morally clean. Each time you share yourself sexually with someone, you literally give a piece of yourself you can never give back. I stay clean not only because I want to remain worthy but also because I want someone who has done the same for me.
Sexual intimacy is a beautiful part of marriage and I want it to be special between my future spouse and I and I want to know that he wasn't sharing himself and that part ofI himself with anyone else. It will make it all the more richer and sacred and beautiful between us and there is something to be said for that, so stay morally clean! (This section on Relationships of Inspiration and Deprivation was used from Ken L Page LCSW in an article from Psychology Today published April 3, 2011)
Kevin spoke and here are a few notes from his part:
When Christi and I look at the surveys that come in, the number one thing we see over and over is that woman are looking for a worthy priesthood holder to date and marry. This is the overall main thing they are looking for; one that is worthy to go to the temple and honors his priesthood.
Being morally clean is important.
A woman asked me, “should I date someone who is not temple worthy if I am temple worthy myself?”
The answer is no.
There is a difference between having a pornography addiction and having a pornography problem. A pornography problem is when a good worthy man struggles from time to time with it and they continue to go to the Lord with overcoming this temptation every few months and they might slip and fall once in a while but they keep striving. A pornography addiction is when they are looking at porn daily and it is overtaking areas of their life. Many men give up when they have a problem and count themselves out because they think they aren't worthy of anything.
Men fall into the trap of intimacy because they need to be touched. It is a common love language among them. They need to be touched because they are physical creatures.
Women have been given 3 Gifts. Wisdom, Understanding, and Mercy. These are the innate gifts given to women. Men miss that and need that in their lives
When women look around and see that they are outnumbered and odds are against them on finding a guy, some tend to think they have to do more in the physical area to either get more attention or to win the guy over. Women--- don’t do this!!
Men tend to get tethered and bounce around and go back and forth and lost in the cracks. The largest problem in the divorce population in the church is that we lose so many men. We need the men.
Men, we need you to hold on and stay active and do your callings and not become a liability.
If you don’t have a calling, continue to go to your bishop until he gives you one. You have a purpose in the ward and you need to serve it.
